Happiness is:

The year 2007 was a transformative year for me. I spent many months feeling empty and alone. Beginning in July, while I was in Peru, I experienced a substantive change in the way I think, interact and live. Due to the living I have done since then --classes in the UK, moving in with Andrew, working 9-5, living with a lover, leaving a lover, coming home, praying -- I have soberly discovered happiness. I have thought about my life and why, almost suddenly, I love being alive. This is what I have come up with:

Now, for the third time since he had returned from the hospital that day, he opened the woman's book and read the brief inscription on the flyleaf. Written in ink, in German, in a small, hopelessly sincere handwriting were the words "Dear God, Life is hell.". . .Then, with far more zeal than he had done anything in weeks, he picked up a pencil stub and wrote down under the inscription, in English, "Fathers and Teachers, I ponder 'What is hell?' I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.
-- J.D. Salinger, For Esme-With Love and Squalor

Learn to Love.
This above all else is necessary.

Next, pursue a childlike spirit. Run in the rain, have snowball fights, do a cannonball and make snow angels. Free yourself.

Forgive.

One forgives to the degree that one loves.
-- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld

"Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness."
-- Harold Kushner

Maintain groundless hope. Idealize. Imagine.

Love yourself. Inspire others to love themselves, too.

Life is short.
Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truely. Laugh uncontrollably.



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Now playing: Brandon Heath - I'm Not Who I Was
via FoxyTunes

When did this change?

I feel obligated to be around people or to allow people to be around me. A feeling of guilt sweeps over me when I tell someone that "I don´t want to go with" them or "don´t want to do that." I create reasons why I don´t have time or don´t feel well. For a few days at least I genuinely was not feeling well. My insides disappeared and all my shrivelled thoughts fed my solitary, disgusting pain. I honestly doubt that I would have been able to hold myself together with so many people around. Not that I would have sobbed all over the damn place, but I know how vacant I must have looked. One hell of a downer. It would have been one of those "I-miss-you-most-when-I-am-happy" things and I would ruin it for the whole lot. I was even explaining to people that my not going was doing them a favor. How saintly of me.

But now, having reached a static, dull, numbness, I should be able to at least fake interest in involvement with other people. However, what motivation do I have? I lack even enough guilt or concern to try being "okay."

Maybe it´s because I am not okay. Maybe this is the Denial step or whatever step follows Anger - listlessness? - depression? - apathy. Is apathy a step? Perhaps a "sub-step"? What about utter repulsion at the thought of having to put effort into anything? I think that is more than apathy. Resentment? Hate? Misdirected coping mechanism. . .Maybe it is jealousy. Envy. Maybe I covet their carefree attitude. I wish I could ignore these feelings and live ignorantly. Yes. It must be envy. They all seem so happy. They could care less for consequences. They are naive enough to think distance is inpenatrable. They taste everything and never cringe from the bitter aftertaste. They are young and uninvested and free to be self-absorbed. Free to be self-interested. Free from thought. Is jealousy a sub-step? Coveting ignorance or innocence. . .I think innocence is asking a bit much.

I want to be ignorant. I want to "think" I know the emotions well enough to enjoy them, but not well enough to feel the pain when life happens. This is my sub-step: Wishing I never had understood the truth. What comes next? There are 12-step plans for everything. I am sure there is one for broken hearts. BHA. I never want to meet with them though. . .I don´t feel like even trying. BHA: A Highly Ineffective 12-Step Support Group. In the same sick way I don´t care about anything right now, I am finding this BHA stuff to be B-List entertainment.

In conclusion, I feel like hell and I don´t want to feel differently except that I know I HAVE to feel differently because somone has given me a lot of money to keep my ass in gear and ignore personal issues.

El fin.

When We Two Parted

When we two parted

In silence and tears,

Half broken-hearted

To sever the years,

Pale grew thy cheek and cold,

Colder, thy kiss;

Truly that hour foretold

Sorrow to this. . .

·

Lord Byron

·

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Love

I Corinthians 13:3-7

A Response:

I have been lucky enough to experience love.

It is a feeling that separates you from the world; you are no longer cognizant of the million other things that are waiting to be done - the million other things that have been waiting to be done.

You are able to escape the term papers, the presentations, and the expectations. Love lets you escape all the stress and dissolve into something lucid and perfect, the world you've created with the person you love.

And, you're right, being with the one you love - that interaction- is unjust; as soon as the interaction stops, you are torn from the comfort and returned to a place where nothing seems to work out, happiness is unexpected, and everything you do seems like a mistake. You return to the real world.

Love Songs

Favorite lyrics:

"I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart." Coldplay

"I need you so much closer." Death Cab for Cutie

"Time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much. Are you still mine? I need your love. I need your love. God speed your love to me." The Righteous Brothers

"Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?" Eric Clapton

"Someday if all my prayers are answered, I'll hear a footstep on the stair- With anxious heart I'll hurry to the door and maybe you'll be there." Diana Krall

"Anyplace you wanna go, know I'll be next to you." Dave Matthews Band

"A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars - I'd walk to you if I had no other way. Our friends would all make fun of us, we'd just laugh along because we know none of them have felt this way." Plain White T's

"You've been the only thing that's right, in all I've done. I can barely look at you, but every single time I do, I know we'll make it anywhere from here." Snow Patrol

"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and, when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned." Iron and Wine

"Let me know that you need me. Let that be enough." Switchfoot

"You give your hand to me and then you say hello. And I can hardly speak, my heart is beating so." Ray Charles

" In a haze, a stormy haze, I'll be round. I'll be loving you always." Coldplay

"When the storm comes, you shelter me. I don't say a word and you know exactly what I mean. In the darkest times you shine on me. You set me free. Steady as we go." Dave Matthews Band

"I can't take my eyes off you. I can't my eyes off you. I can't my eyes off you." Damien Rice

"I wanna live life and never be cruel. I wanna live life and be good to you." Coldplay

"You do something wonderful, to chase it all away. . .You do something to me, something deep inside." Paul Weller

"I came here with a load and it feels so much lighter, now that I met you. And honey you should know that I could never go on without you." Coldplay

This is what it is like when summer ends.

Andrew and I spent our last Sunday together in Ludington. After a hike to the lighthouse, a beach stroll, a cat nap in the car, and a sunset on the pier, I hate that summer is leaving us.

Perhaps the best weekend ever, despite failing health

There is one thing that can overpower the negativity of physical pain: the company of someone special.

This past weekend I went to Ann Arbor to visit Andrew. I was originally planning on leaving Thursday afternoon to be with him after he finished his classes. Unfortunately, I had to babysit and didn't leave Greenville until 9 pm. I couldn't get there fast enough. On Friday I woke up and had an earache. All I could think to myself was: please let it clear up so I can enjoy this weekend, please, oh please. After a wonderful dinner on the roof of Palio's my silly ear problem got much worse. Andrew was a great friend and he cared for me. I didn't sleep much that night, but by the next morning I felt much better. I was able to enjoy our visit with Eric and Anna.

Most of the Saturday was a double date. As an unstoppable wrecking ball of coupledom, Andrew and I successfully defeated Eric and Anna in tennis and bowling (in all actuality it was quite close many times during our tennis competition). Although my ear still hurt (not as badly, but I didn't want Andrew to worry about me), Saturday was still very enjoyable. It was the first time Andrew and I had played any sport together. I think we make a good team. He was very supportive of me when I goofed and I tried to reciprocate but, we did tease each other for silly mistakes. It felt very natural for me to be with him.

I didn't end up leaving until 8:30 last night. The drive home stunk. I missed Andrew, I hit a deer, and, come to find out, I forgot my typhoid vaccination in Ann Arbor.

As if I needed another reason to appreciate him, Andrew got up early this morning and drove my Vivotif to me. I feel like an idiot but, secretly, I am glad I forgot my medicine; I got to see him again.

Overall, it was the best weekend I can recall. Andrew made it so enjoyable that it was easy to overlook the extent of my earache (popped ear drum - eek!). Maybe he's dangerous for me? ha ha. Who cares?

I will miss him very much.

I am such a girl. . .

I love this movie:

" And if you are sitting by the side of the man or woman you love, then it seems time has wings; it is flying. Hours pass like minutes, days pass like hours, months pass like days."

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh on "psychological time",Theologia Mystica