O, Grenvil! How I come to loathe thee. . .

Dear Beautiful People:

It is official; the warm, nostalgic feeling of homecoming has faded into the sickening dose of pity and boredom that haunts those capable of recognizing the gravity of reality in a small, post-manufacturing economy. Apparently, Greenville is increasingly ailed by hopelessness, teen pregnancy and drug use. Surely, the former "ailments" are little more than symptoms of a more substantial and infectious plight.

I am not wholly convinced by the common hypotheses of which disease plagues my hometown. Some are quick to assume that it has been poor state economic policy that has fostered the stagnation -- I daresay, the retrograde movement -- of this community. To this, I argue that Michigan's economic policies do not necessarily explain cases across broad spans of time; that is, it is highly unlikely that the successions of leadership in this state have coercively been able to bring down the might of the automotive and other manufacturing industries, especially across the decades since this disease began its manifestation. Nor does this explanation provide insight as to why, in locations nationwide, similar phenomenon occurs.

Others posit that the disease is much broader -- an economic woe echoing throughout the United States and the world. For many internationally, the Western approach to capitalism, free market globalization, is the culprit for our ills. Free trade rhetoric spouted by the US, World Trade Organization, and other global bodies claims that liberalized economic policies spur development (2002 Monterrey Consensus). In some instances, this is true. After signing the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) in 1994, Mexico's inflows of foreign direct investment increased significantly and overall poverty decreased (World Development Reports 1996-2007, World Bank). But, for significant groups within the population, the benefits of liberalized and free trade are out of reach. In Greenville, there is a large portion of the population which, correctly or incorrectly, maintains that NAFTA is what has allowed our manufacturing jobs to head south and east. Assuming, of course, that this draining of "quality, high-paying jobs" is what drives teenagers in Greevilles across the nation to cook meth and fornicate. (The logic has been grossly oversimplied, but I believe it essentially expresses the general thought processes explaining the downturn of society in a place like Greenville).

Ultimately, however, both these explanations are wrong. The horrible increase in high school drop outs, teen pregnancy, drug use, etc. has little if anything to do with economic wounds. Our own permission of cultural and social degradation is the sickness eating at this community. The said degradation deriving, of course, from an epidemic lack of responsibility for ourselves and for others. Blaming economics is a simple explanation of the disgusting debasement of American community. The correlation is obvious, likely perfect and positive. We, in our seemingly-infinite ability to pass blame, see correlation and read causation. Similarly, for those that do recognize this plague as social, I am sickened by the continued inaction to affect change. Fingers are pointed at everyone, but ourselves. Well, Greenville, look in the mirror. It is not Governor Granholm, nor President Bush, nor global capitalists that have brought this to your door. It is your apathy and lack of caring for the progress of your fellow citizens. Turning your head as a child is abused, ignoring your neighbor's depression, not saying 'hello' to a new face -- to an old face! -- these are things that reduce the quality of life in this community, country, and world. We are responsible for the sickness around us and, consequently, only we can reconstruct what has disintegrated. How? By caring enough.

Love
I Corinthians 13: 4-7
Romans 13: 8

Conlusions derived of a Board of Education meeting:

Random psychological observation:

People can be negative in their positivity.
(and positive in their negativity.)

Also,

lack of tact, is tacky.
(i.e. there is no excuse to speak down to anyone, ever.)


Fin.

Love
I Corinthians 13: 3-7
Romans 13: 8

When did this change?

I feel obligated to be around people or to allow people to be around me. A feeling of guilt sweeps over me when I tell someone that "I don´t want to go with" them or "don´t want to do that." I create reasons why I don´t have time or don´t feel well. For a few days at least I genuinely was not feeling well. My insides disappeared and all my shrivelled thoughts fed my solitary, disgusting pain. I honestly doubt that I would have been able to hold myself together with so many people around. Not that I would have sobbed all over the damn place, but I know how vacant I must have looked. One hell of a downer. It would have been one of those "I-miss-you-most-when-I-am-happy" things and I would ruin it for the whole lot. I was even explaining to people that my not going was doing them a favor. How saintly of me.

But now, having reached a static, dull, numbness, I should be able to at least fake interest in involvement with other people. However, what motivation do I have? I lack even enough guilt or concern to try being "okay."

Maybe it´s because I am not okay. Maybe this is the Denial step or whatever step follows Anger - listlessness? - depression? - apathy. Is apathy a step? Perhaps a "sub-step"? What about utter repulsion at the thought of having to put effort into anything? I think that is more than apathy. Resentment? Hate? Misdirected coping mechanism. . .Maybe it is jealousy. Envy. Maybe I covet their carefree attitude. I wish I could ignore these feelings and live ignorantly. Yes. It must be envy. They all seem so happy. They could care less for consequences. They are naive enough to think distance is inpenatrable. They taste everything and never cringe from the bitter aftertaste. They are young and uninvested and free to be self-absorbed. Free to be self-interested. Free from thought. Is jealousy a sub-step? Coveting ignorance or innocence. . .I think innocence is asking a bit much.

I want to be ignorant. I want to "think" I know the emotions well enough to enjoy them, but not well enough to feel the pain when life happens. This is my sub-step: Wishing I never had understood the truth. What comes next? There are 12-step plans for everything. I am sure there is one for broken hearts. BHA. I never want to meet with them though. . .I don´t feel like even trying. BHA: A Highly Ineffective 12-Step Support Group. In the same sick way I don´t care about anything right now, I am finding this BHA stuff to be B-List entertainment.

In conclusion, I feel like hell and I don´t want to feel differently except that I know I HAVE to feel differently because somone has given me a lot of money to keep my ass in gear and ignore personal issues.

El fin.

When We Two Parted

When we two parted

In silence and tears,

Half broken-hearted

To sever the years,

Pale grew thy cheek and cold,

Colder, thy kiss;

Truly that hour foretold

Sorrow to this. . .

·

Lord Byron

·

·

Love

I Corinthians 13:3-7

Happy Christmas.

Today is the third best day of the year. It is, of course, Christmas Eve-Eve. I know not everyone agrees with me, but Christmas is one of the rare times during the year worthy of recognition. And, it isn't just Christmas. It is the entire holiday season, including: Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, and Boxing Day.

At our house we celebrate Christmas, though we are not a Christian family. My father and sister do not believe in the Christian God and growing up, this meant that our Christmas was centred around the unification of the family and sharing love. Love, of course, it what makes the holiday season worthy of celebration. It is the only time of year the country turns off for the sake of family and love. Granted, some people only see it as another Labor Day. However, if those individuals have free time, where do you think most of them are spending it? Most likely at home, with people they love.

Yes, there is a commercial component to the holiday season. But, what kind of person allows commercials and sales ruin the reason for the season. If someone lets marketing tactics interfere with his enjoyment of the season - I blame him. He must be certain of why the season is important to him, and not concern himself with the economics of it. Christmas is a season for love and selfless giving - if it has strayed too far from this, each individual is responsible to change it.

I love Christmas because my family can be together - something that happens less often as I get older. I love Christmas because I can spend quality time with my best friends: Stephanie, Andrew, Brent and Corey. I love Christmas because of the jingle bells and silver bells. I love Christmas because of the cookies and cocoa. I love Christmas because of the lights and the smells. I love Christmas because the true beauty of human fellowship comes through.

Have a very happy Christmas.

Exams, Elections, and Ecclesiastes

This week has been a strange mix of joy, excitement, stress, and frustration. I have had an exam everyday this week. And, unfortunately, there was little more I could have done to prepare for it - although, we all know that isn't the honest truth. I could have made more time. Regardless, these exams have contributed a significant amount of stress to my life. After this week, however, exams will be done for a while and I will be able to preoccupy myself with other important tasks attached to fast-approaching deadlines.

While this is schedule has been frustrating, I have found some relief. The recent elections have been a well-spring of excitement for me. I had hoped and told myself that the Democrats would be able to take the Hill, but I wasn't absolute. It's very difficult to believe they actually did it. I'm afraid someone cheated. I don't want to think that they would, but it seems so surreal that they gained a majority in the Senate (two of those seats, however, are actually held by Independents, who said they will caucus with the Democrats). In addition, Donald Rumsfeld has resigned at the request of our military leaders in Iraq. Let's hope that Bush's nominee makes some intelligent and necessary changes to the U.S. approach to Iraq. Overall, American politics over the last week has left me with a uncharacteristic positive feeling.

During this week I have spent a lot of time fulfilling extra-curricular obligations. One, last night, was the Center for Responsible Leadership Seminar with West Cosgrove. His message was different than what I have heard from other speakers. His proposal is that to improve leadership, we all need to voluntarily knock ourselves down and experience suffering. By doing this we broaden our understanding of being human - we become more whole. I agree.

While I was reflecting on his advice, I came across this:
For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. Ecclesiastes 1:18

To me this points out a valuable lesson: To learn we must experience grief and sorrow. And, conversely, knowledge brings sorrow. When we leave our ignorance we have a responsibility. West talked about how many people in the United States are scared of knowing how people suffer in the developing world because of the guilt that comes along with it. I think that, while it is true that knowing reality is burdened with grief and guilt, the joy and peace you gain when you reach out to help those who are suffering is infinitely stronger. To know suffering, to be surrounded by it, is important to experience. But, I think it is silly to avoid suffering because of your own guilt and fear. I wish everyone could trust that while the experience is difficult, the rewards that come from it are so much more valuable.

Weakness. . .

"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." - Albert Einstein

I am guilty. I am guilty of judging others quickly and severely for weaknesses I see in them. When an individual has doubt in their heart, feels he or she to be uncapable, or gives up - I struggle to maintain respect for that individual. It is tragic for me to see so many people that think so little of themselves. It is equally tragic to see so many others that degrade others to stay balanced on their own feet.

Anyone who knows what "type D" means - will know that this inability to accept weakness is characteristic of dominant personalities like my own. Anyone who is a "D" can understand why I am sick of people failing; I am sick of people not participating; I am sick of people settling! If you want to live a life feeling sorry for yourself, that is your choice, but I cannot promise that I will be able to tolerate you for very long.

The most universal manifestation of weakness is in attitude. Albert Einstein's quote expresses, in my opinion, the the essence of weakness - peoples' outlooks are staining their characters. I see people everyday who seem not to care - who go day to day without any belief in themselves. These people prevade negativity and pollute the world with their fragility.

Although, I realize I should not judge others for anything. I am struggling not to walk up to these individuals and yell:

"Get a freaking backbone!"

I'm struggling: Is the real problem money?

Everyday it seems that there is not enough money. When all I pull from my pockets at the end of the day is an addictive tube of lip balm and a hair tie among balls of navy-colored lint, I get depressed. However, this isn't a post about my financial issues. Although I do have a number myself (attending a private college and having no job creates a seemingly infinite need for green). My concern is the broader issue of distribution and global demand for more money to fund more services for more people. Is it the real issue?

As I learn more about the world, I am finding that very few people of the six plus billion can honestly afford to "waste" money. Arguably, this group of comfortable individuals is shrinking--greater amounts of money is being funneled into fewer bank accounts. Accordingly, larger groups of people worldwide are running out of things to empty their pockets of. There is a correlated strain on service institutions of local, regional, national, and international realms.

This comes to what started this whole rant: today, the World Food Programme (WFP) appealed for increased funding. The United Nations agency just started a new program in Azerbaijan to feed some of the 300, 000 people that will have continued food dependency throughout the coming years (WFP Food Security and Nutrition Assessment 2005). This new program is slated to provide "26,833 metric tons of food assistance valued at $15.7 million to the most vulnerable of the displaced population, particularly women and children," and is the last phase of a broader operation in Azerbaijan (United Nations News Centre 2006). According to WFP’'s Regional Director for the Middle East, Central Asia and Eastern Europe, Amir Abdulla, continued financial support from donors is vital as this final phase needs to provide a smooth transition to government control of this service.

Over the past twelve years, WFP has provided more than 100 million dollars to Azerbaijan for the food security of some million displaced people. Since the creation of the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs), WFP has coordinated its operation in the west Asian country to parallel and compliment the State Programme for Poverty Reduction and Economic Development and with the Millennium Development Goals which works to remedy a number of socio-economic issues. Also, this WFP operation has included a Food For Education component (improves primary school enrollment through providing school meals) and a Food for Work component (increases employment opportunities for rural households, particularly for women).

It is noteworthy that the WFP runs operations in over a third of the countries of the world and is working in every continent except Australia and Antarctica. While it is a United Nations Agency, the General Assembly does not appropriate funds to WFP--all of the WFP operations are funded by voluntary donations. Most of these donations come from governments, but there are also contributions from businesses and individuals. Despite these donations, WFP programs are frequently underfunded. The WFP emergency operation in Kenya has been funded 60% of the necessary US$352,322,333 to feed 3.5 million children, pregnant and nursing mothers, and pastoralists who have gone hungry due to drought. The operation in Niger--56%.

Some would argue that, if the WFP does not have the money to run these programs to feed people, it should not run the programs. This is valid--to a point. If the WFP does not feed these people, they are left without access to necessary food and water. The families that benefit from the aid provided by WFP depend on it for survival. Does the WFP, then, have a choice? If they start a new program that is underfunded because the need is too great, should they have not tried to remedy the situation; thereby, leaving millions without resources necessary for life? 'Cut back or kill' does not seem a very civil choice.

I think what the real issue boils down to is: can we, as a planet, continue to grow and, through smart development, survive? Forever an optimist, I feel that we can. Forever a realist, I don't think it will happen. Every person in the developed world and many in the developing world realize that the manner of which we go about living on this planet--taking and rarely giving back--has to stop. We have to live better. The planet is full of too many people and reckless absorption of irreplaceable resources. We suck oil from the Earth. We cut down trees and condone air pollution. We dump trash in our water. We waste. For many of us, this destruction has been subconsciously justified by the idea that humans are, after all, the dominant and destined species on the planet--I daresay, the universe. Humans are in control, take no heed to the laws that govern the rest of creation.

Most of this thinking is inspired by a novel I have been reading (I lost it and cannot find it to finish it). The novel: Ishmael. The book explains our problems simply. All over the planet, species are subject to basic laws of ecology. Those are: if there is an abundance of resources, populations will increase; If the food disappears, so do the populations. What we have done to ensure that our needs are met with the growing population is to destroy natural threats to our resources. Hypothetically, a bison is roaming the plain. We eat the bison, but we need more bison to supply our meat demand. So, we protect the bison from it's other threats. We kill off it's predators and take it into captivity. Husbandry. Bison populations increase, human populations follow suit. Soon, the bison is no longer enough--we need more. We kill off the threats to the bison food supply. One grass takes over, the bison populations rise, human populations grow. The cycle continues.

We have been reducing diversity of the world to cater to the human race, but at a cost that we are now beginning to realize. We destroy something that is not necessary for our survival, like the grass varieties competing in the same field as the bison grazing grass. This destruction echoes through the ecosystem. Humanity can only evade ecological law for so long.

It is my opinion that the WFP appeal for money is only a symptom of Mother Nature's karma-like impact on humanity. Unless we shape up, look at the larger mistake (destroying the world because we are humans and we can), and change our lifestyles worldwide, we are entering war with the rest of the planet. That isn't to say we are completely disabled. I think we could do it--if we want to. However, I don't think enough people care and, for me, the future seems a dark place, ridden with serious challenges for humanity.


Nevertheless:

"Whoever saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of all mankind" Qur'an 5:32

... keep trying.

Do you sleep with a drunk?

Whoa, this is a record for me. Thrice in one day! Anyway, this blog entry is inspired by annoyance and regrettable anger.

Let me preface this entry by also saying: "One does not need booze to make one's college experience - or life experience for that matter - more enjoyable."

With that being said, I get really bothered when people egg me about going out. I don't go out because, in Alma, if you go out you should probably be so plastered that you don't care that you are only going to stand around, get wasted, then come back to Gelston, Newberry, Bruske, or Wright and puke your entire night back up. I don't go out because I don't enjoy being the only sober person on the block. I don't go out because, while you are ruining your liver for the second or third time this week, I would rather read; watch a movie; or have an actual conversation - that I will remember. I disagree with your assumption that, if I go out, I will have more friends. I don't know about you, but I like to have more in common with my friends than the fact that we drank out of the same shot glass.

When I tell you that I don't want to go out, it isn't simply an isolated incident - I'm not 'just tired'. When I tell you that those parties are boring and that I don't feel like drinking. I mean it. I try to be as tactful as possible. But, for goodness sake, not everyone finds being drunk fun. I don't. So, stop bothering me about it. If I want to vomit in my own hair, scrape my knee on the pavement because I can't hold myself up, or lose my balance dancing on the bar - trust me - I can take the initiative. Leave me alone.

PS: When you stumble in around 2:30/3:oo AM, can you shut up? and set your own alarm? Remember, today's Wednesday - you don't have church tomorrow.