When did this change?

I feel obligated to be around people or to allow people to be around me. A feeling of guilt sweeps over me when I tell someone that "I don´t want to go with" them or "don´t want to do that." I create reasons why I don´t have time or don´t feel well. For a few days at least I genuinely was not feeling well. My insides disappeared and all my shrivelled thoughts fed my solitary, disgusting pain. I honestly doubt that I would have been able to hold myself together with so many people around. Not that I would have sobbed all over the damn place, but I know how vacant I must have looked. One hell of a downer. It would have been one of those "I-miss-you-most-when-I-am-happy" things and I would ruin it for the whole lot. I was even explaining to people that my not going was doing them a favor. How saintly of me.

But now, having reached a static, dull, numbness, I should be able to at least fake interest in involvement with other people. However, what motivation do I have? I lack even enough guilt or concern to try being "okay."

Maybe it´s because I am not okay. Maybe this is the Denial step or whatever step follows Anger - listlessness? - depression? - apathy. Is apathy a step? Perhaps a "sub-step"? What about utter repulsion at the thought of having to put effort into anything? I think that is more than apathy. Resentment? Hate? Misdirected coping mechanism. . .Maybe it is jealousy. Envy. Maybe I covet their carefree attitude. I wish I could ignore these feelings and live ignorantly. Yes. It must be envy. They all seem so happy. They could care less for consequences. They are naive enough to think distance is inpenatrable. They taste everything and never cringe from the bitter aftertaste. They are young and uninvested and free to be self-absorbed. Free to be self-interested. Free from thought. Is jealousy a sub-step? Coveting ignorance or innocence. . .I think innocence is asking a bit much.

I want to be ignorant. I want to "think" I know the emotions well enough to enjoy them, but not well enough to feel the pain when life happens. This is my sub-step: Wishing I never had understood the truth. What comes next? There are 12-step plans for everything. I am sure there is one for broken hearts. BHA. I never want to meet with them though. . .I don´t feel like even trying. BHA: A Highly Ineffective 12-Step Support Group. In the same sick way I don´t care about anything right now, I am finding this BHA stuff to be B-List entertainment.

In conclusion, I feel like hell and I don´t want to feel differently except that I know I HAVE to feel differently because somone has given me a lot of money to keep my ass in gear and ignore personal issues.

El fin.

When We Two Parted

When we two parted

In silence and tears,

Half broken-hearted

To sever the years,

Pale grew thy cheek and cold,

Colder, thy kiss;

Truly that hour foretold

Sorrow to this. . .

·

Lord Byron

·

·

Love

I Corinthians 13:3-7

Yet again, not at Mass.

Sometimes, I wonder what my host family must think. . . I wonder if they care that I never go to mass with them.

I went once. Friday before Father´s Day, they had a evening mass that I went to. I don´t think I would be able to "get into it." For one thing, it is held in Spanish and I do not understand enough to know exactly what they are saying. But, on the other hand, Mass here is like Mass pretty much anywhere - so, I do know what is going on. Oddly enough.

In lieu of Mass, I am chatting with Andrew. It is tough with the time difference and our schedules. If we chat in the morning, he is normally in class. If we chat in the afternoon, he is out exploring Krakow. And, if we chat in the evening, it is bedtime in Krakow. And I sleep when he wakes up. Our chat sessions have been brief, but something is better than nothing.

Also, I am feeling better. I have gotten over my infection and, though weak, would like to have some fun with my friends here. But, they are both in school and nights are mostly for homework. I look forward to spending some more time with them though. Maybe occupy some of my downtime. . . not feel so lonely. It is amazing the distance language can put between people. I try and I am getting better, but it´s definitely not the same.

I hope I can use my shower today. Carmen´s does NOT warm. And, I would like to shower in warm water if at all possible. It´s cold enough here already. It´s almost beautiful how my skin hurts so much from the goosebumps. . .almost.

Semper pax.

Random beauty: Ray LaMontagne · Goosebumps · The irrational fear that hangs in the air immediately after you awake from nightmares · Soggy corn flakes floating in strawberry yogurt · "Someday when all my prayers are answered, I´ll hear a footstep on the stair. With anxious heart, I´ll hurry to the door - maybe you´ll be there. . ." Diana Krall · "Call me Ishmael." · Braided hair · Hallelujah ·

Love

I Corinthians 13:3-7

Reflective. . .

To begin, happy Independence Day everyone.

Okay, with that out of my system, I will move on to what this entry is really about - internships. My plans to study in Ecuador this fall have not panned out. Instead, I am applying for some internships. Most of them are in DC; however, there are two also in Lansing. I am excited with the possibilities.

Isn´t life great? Everyday is new, fresh and exciting. Every moment changes who you are and what you will become. When I consider the possible paths life can take. . . I am unable to describe it. Maybe in a few days I will know. I am certain, however, that I am grateful for every noun in my life - especially those that need capitalization.

This entry is taking on a very different emphasis - random beauty in my life:
"Crop circles in the carpet, sinking feeling. . ." Imogen Heap · Paint laying on hair · Genuine smiles · The dismissive/annoyed/sexual/anxietal/ etc. tension between people who avoid eye contact when dancing · How love interest echos in gazes that are seconds too long · Wrinkles in line-dried clothing · Silence · Changing first impressions · Wishing I had a dictionary when I read Infinite Jest · "That everyday feels so incomplete until you walk into the room. . ." David Gray · Nouns that need capitalization · Hearing your favorite song-twice · Cupids arrows · Gratitude so sincere you could never know how genuine it is · Faith · The constellation of freckles on old womans´hands · Closed toe shoes with laces · Innocence · Having people think you are crazy when you laugh at an inside joke in public · Edward Elgar · Gustav´s Modonna ·

Love

I Corinthians 13:3 -7