Happiness is:

The year 2007 was a transformative year for me. I spent many months feeling empty and alone. Beginning in July, while I was in Peru, I experienced a substantive change in the way I think, interact and live. Due to the living I have done since then --classes in the UK, moving in with Andrew, working 9-5, living with a lover, leaving a lover, coming home, praying -- I have soberly discovered happiness. I have thought about my life and why, almost suddenly, I love being alive. This is what I have come up with:

Now, for the third time since he had returned from the hospital that day, he opened the woman's book and read the brief inscription on the flyleaf. Written in ink, in German, in a small, hopelessly sincere handwriting were the words "Dear God, Life is hell.". . .Then, with far more zeal than he had done anything in weeks, he picked up a pencil stub and wrote down under the inscription, in English, "Fathers and Teachers, I ponder 'What is hell?' I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.
-- J.D. Salinger, For Esme-With Love and Squalor

Learn to Love.
This above all else is necessary.

Next, pursue a childlike spirit. Run in the rain, have snowball fights, do a cannonball and make snow angels. Free yourself.

Forgive.

One forgives to the degree that one loves.
-- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld

"Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness."
-- Harold Kushner

Maintain groundless hope. Idealize. Imagine.

Love yourself. Inspire others to love themselves, too.

Life is short.
Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truely. Laugh uncontrollably.



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Now playing: Brandon Heath - I'm Not Who I Was
via FoxyTunes

Christmas Insight.

Hello everyone!

To begin, I want to wish you all a Merry, merry Christmas and for those who do not celebrate Christmas - happy, glorious holidays to you!

For me, today is a fantastic day. I am not talking about the presents or the money. It is fantastic because today is full of love and happiness. Last night, I spent the evening enjoying time with my immediate family. I also got a special Christmas visit from my friend Brent, who just got home from his internship in Ypsilanti. AND, I was able to call my family in Peru and talk to them. To make the holiday more joyous, I got to see the rest of my family this morning. The whole gang came over for the traditional Christmas brunch and gift-swap. I have a number of little cousins that came over - it was great. On Christmas, children are a joy to watch; the excitement they all have when unwrapping presents is hilarious. Their joy and innocence reminds me how grateful I am for the wonderful souls with whom I share this life. It is a true blessing.

And, while Christmas would be nothing without the love of family and friends, there is a greater, personal significance to this day -- the birth of one the best examples of human existence -- Jesus Christ. Regardless, of spiritual affiliation, I hope that every person can reflect today and find inspiration in the birth of such a great person. Jesus lived a selfless, sacrificial life in order to serve as an example and guide for humanity. I do not feel that I would do this day justice if I did not find time to thank God for the gift of such an enlightened man. Jesus serves as an inspiration for me as I move through life. Today, I look inside myself and hope that I can live today and each day as a better human being.

And, as the New Year comes, there is little better time to resolve to improve yourself. Whether you resolve to say hello to a new person everyday or resolve to compliment others more often, I hope that today gives you a moment to reflect and aspire to improve the world - if only a little.

Bob Marley said:

“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?”

Today, tomorrow, within the next week, please take the time to answer this question for yourself.

Peace and Love.

Love

Romans 13:8
I Corinthians 13:4-7

Track 4 on the soundtrack of my life

Landslide

I took my love and I took it down,
I climbed a mountain and I turned around,
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills,
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky,
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'cause I built my life around you,
But time makes you bolder.
Children get older,
I'm getting older too.

Well... Well, I've been afraid of changing
'cause I built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder,
Children get older,
I'm getting older, too
Well I'm getting older too.

So, take this love and take it down.
And if you climb a mountain and ya turn around.
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills,
Well the landslide brought me down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills,
Well maybe, Well maybe, Well maybe,
The landslide will bring you down

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Now playing: Dixie Chicks - Landslide
via FoxyTunes

Brief discourse on Life.

Dear World:

Yes, life is grand. Life is good. Life is a miraculous gift: no matter the challenges it provides.

When I wrote previously, I wrote about how I have been sensing a change in my life. I did not plan on being the instigator of this change, but I was. Over the last week, a very significant part of my life was altered. And, for better or worse, I am having to learn how to live in my new life.

There are personal hurdles associated with adjusting to my new life. I have to reestablish my independence and gather the pieces of myself into a viable person. I have to get my bearings.

Despite these challenges, I am excited for the possibilities and the strength I can gain from this change. There is a conversation I need to have with someone that, until now, I was not prepared to have. I am thrilled. I am petrified.

But this, of course, is why this life is so great. There is such an array of emotion, an array of paths, decisions. Life, no matter whose, is a fantastic journey through both its crests and troughs. I am at peace knowing that this is one challenging step, one challenging sacrifice in order to advance my life and live it to the fullest.

Now, in the following I have included the lyrics of some of the music that I listened to while I wrote this blog.
This song really should get its own post. An old friend first told me about this band, and this song reminds me of him every time. Hopefully, he likes this song as much as I do. This song inspires me to repair the hurt I have inflicted in my past.
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Now playing: Sanctus Real - Don't Give Up
via FoxyTunes

I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
Now you complain a lifetime just doesn't feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up

Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain
Don't give up on love and throw it all away

I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you

Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain
Don't give up on love and throw it all away

Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
Don't give up on love

Peace and Love to you all.

Love
I Corinthians 13:3-7
Romans 13:8

In transistion.

There is something brewing. Somewhere inside of myself, I feel a change.

As soon as I began to become comfortable -or certain-with the person I have become, I realize that I have much farther to venture before I am the someone I was made to be.

Old habits are tough to break, but I know that as long as I remain persistent: I will be the person I need to be. I will apologize to those I have wronged; I will embrace those I have ignored; and I will love everyone that I have hated.

Love
I Corinthians 13: 3-7
Romans 13: 8

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Now playing: Casting Crowns - East to West
via FoxyTunes

When did this change?

I feel obligated to be around people or to allow people to be around me. A feeling of guilt sweeps over me when I tell someone that "I don´t want to go with" them or "don´t want to do that." I create reasons why I don´t have time or don´t feel well. For a few days at least I genuinely was not feeling well. My insides disappeared and all my shrivelled thoughts fed my solitary, disgusting pain. I honestly doubt that I would have been able to hold myself together with so many people around. Not that I would have sobbed all over the damn place, but I know how vacant I must have looked. One hell of a downer. It would have been one of those "I-miss-you-most-when-I-am-happy" things and I would ruin it for the whole lot. I was even explaining to people that my not going was doing them a favor. How saintly of me.

But now, having reached a static, dull, numbness, I should be able to at least fake interest in involvement with other people. However, what motivation do I have? I lack even enough guilt or concern to try being "okay."

Maybe it´s because I am not okay. Maybe this is the Denial step or whatever step follows Anger - listlessness? - depression? - apathy. Is apathy a step? Perhaps a "sub-step"? What about utter repulsion at the thought of having to put effort into anything? I think that is more than apathy. Resentment? Hate? Misdirected coping mechanism. . .Maybe it is jealousy. Envy. Maybe I covet their carefree attitude. I wish I could ignore these feelings and live ignorantly. Yes. It must be envy. They all seem so happy. They could care less for consequences. They are naive enough to think distance is inpenatrable. They taste everything and never cringe from the bitter aftertaste. They are young and uninvested and free to be self-absorbed. Free to be self-interested. Free from thought. Is jealousy a sub-step? Coveting ignorance or innocence. . .I think innocence is asking a bit much.

I want to be ignorant. I want to "think" I know the emotions well enough to enjoy them, but not well enough to feel the pain when life happens. This is my sub-step: Wishing I never had understood the truth. What comes next? There are 12-step plans for everything. I am sure there is one for broken hearts. BHA. I never want to meet with them though. . .I don´t feel like even trying. BHA: A Highly Ineffective 12-Step Support Group. In the same sick way I don´t care about anything right now, I am finding this BHA stuff to be B-List entertainment.

In conclusion, I feel like hell and I don´t want to feel differently except that I know I HAVE to feel differently because somone has given me a lot of money to keep my ass in gear and ignore personal issues.

El fin.

When We Two Parted

When we two parted

In silence and tears,

Half broken-hearted

To sever the years,

Pale grew thy cheek and cold,

Colder, thy kiss;

Truly that hour foretold

Sorrow to this. . .

·

Lord Byron

·

·

Love

I Corinthians 13:3-7

Yet again, not at Mass.

Sometimes, I wonder what my host family must think. . . I wonder if they care that I never go to mass with them.

I went once. Friday before Father´s Day, they had a evening mass that I went to. I don´t think I would be able to "get into it." For one thing, it is held in Spanish and I do not understand enough to know exactly what they are saying. But, on the other hand, Mass here is like Mass pretty much anywhere - so, I do know what is going on. Oddly enough.

In lieu of Mass, I am chatting with Andrew. It is tough with the time difference and our schedules. If we chat in the morning, he is normally in class. If we chat in the afternoon, he is out exploring Krakow. And, if we chat in the evening, it is bedtime in Krakow. And I sleep when he wakes up. Our chat sessions have been brief, but something is better than nothing.

Also, I am feeling better. I have gotten over my infection and, though weak, would like to have some fun with my friends here. But, they are both in school and nights are mostly for homework. I look forward to spending some more time with them though. Maybe occupy some of my downtime. . . not feel so lonely. It is amazing the distance language can put between people. I try and I am getting better, but it´s definitely not the same.

I hope I can use my shower today. Carmen´s does NOT warm. And, I would like to shower in warm water if at all possible. It´s cold enough here already. It´s almost beautiful how my skin hurts so much from the goosebumps. . .almost.

Semper pax.

Random beauty: Ray LaMontagne · Goosebumps · The irrational fear that hangs in the air immediately after you awake from nightmares · Soggy corn flakes floating in strawberry yogurt · "Someday when all my prayers are answered, I´ll hear a footstep on the stair. With anxious heart, I´ll hurry to the door - maybe you´ll be there. . ." Diana Krall · "Call me Ishmael." · Braided hair · Hallelujah ·

Love

I Corinthians 13:3-7

Reflective. . .

To begin, happy Independence Day everyone.

Okay, with that out of my system, I will move on to what this entry is really about - internships. My plans to study in Ecuador this fall have not panned out. Instead, I am applying for some internships. Most of them are in DC; however, there are two also in Lansing. I am excited with the possibilities.

Isn´t life great? Everyday is new, fresh and exciting. Every moment changes who you are and what you will become. When I consider the possible paths life can take. . . I am unable to describe it. Maybe in a few days I will know. I am certain, however, that I am grateful for every noun in my life - especially those that need capitalization.

This entry is taking on a very different emphasis - random beauty in my life:
"Crop circles in the carpet, sinking feeling. . ." Imogen Heap · Paint laying on hair · Genuine smiles · The dismissive/annoyed/sexual/anxietal/ etc. tension between people who avoid eye contact when dancing · How love interest echos in gazes that are seconds too long · Wrinkles in line-dried clothing · Silence · Changing first impressions · Wishing I had a dictionary when I read Infinite Jest · "That everyday feels so incomplete until you walk into the room. . ." David Gray · Nouns that need capitalization · Hearing your favorite song-twice · Cupids arrows · Gratitude so sincere you could never know how genuine it is · Faith · The constellation of freckles on old womans´hands · Closed toe shoes with laces · Innocence · Having people think you are crazy when you laugh at an inside joke in public · Edward Elgar · Gustav´s Modonna ·

Love

I Corinthians 13:3 -7

Happy Christmas.

Today is the third best day of the year. It is, of course, Christmas Eve-Eve. I know not everyone agrees with me, but Christmas is one of the rare times during the year worthy of recognition. And, it isn't just Christmas. It is the entire holiday season, including: Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, and Boxing Day.

At our house we celebrate Christmas, though we are not a Christian family. My father and sister do not believe in the Christian God and growing up, this meant that our Christmas was centred around the unification of the family and sharing love. Love, of course, it what makes the holiday season worthy of celebration. It is the only time of year the country turns off for the sake of family and love. Granted, some people only see it as another Labor Day. However, if those individuals have free time, where do you think most of them are spending it? Most likely at home, with people they love.

Yes, there is a commercial component to the holiday season. But, what kind of person allows commercials and sales ruin the reason for the season. If someone lets marketing tactics interfere with his enjoyment of the season - I blame him. He must be certain of why the season is important to him, and not concern himself with the economics of it. Christmas is a season for love and selfless giving - if it has strayed too far from this, each individual is responsible to change it.

I love Christmas because my family can be together - something that happens less often as I get older. I love Christmas because I can spend quality time with my best friends: Stephanie, Andrew, Brent and Corey. I love Christmas because of the jingle bells and silver bells. I love Christmas because of the cookies and cocoa. I love Christmas because of the lights and the smells. I love Christmas because the true beauty of human fellowship comes through.

Have a very happy Christmas.

A Response:

I have been lucky enough to experience love.

It is a feeling that separates you from the world; you are no longer cognizant of the million other things that are waiting to be done - the million other things that have been waiting to be done.

You are able to escape the term papers, the presentations, and the expectations. Love lets you escape all the stress and dissolve into something lucid and perfect, the world you've created with the person you love.

And, you're right, being with the one you love - that interaction- is unjust; as soon as the interaction stops, you are torn from the comfort and returned to a place where nothing seems to work out, happiness is unexpected, and everything you do seems like a mistake. You return to the real world.

Weakness. . .

"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." - Albert Einstein

I am guilty. I am guilty of judging others quickly and severely for weaknesses I see in them. When an individual has doubt in their heart, feels he or she to be uncapable, or gives up - I struggle to maintain respect for that individual. It is tragic for me to see so many people that think so little of themselves. It is equally tragic to see so many others that degrade others to stay balanced on their own feet.

Anyone who knows what "type D" means - will know that this inability to accept weakness is characteristic of dominant personalities like my own. Anyone who is a "D" can understand why I am sick of people failing; I am sick of people not participating; I am sick of people settling! If you want to live a life feeling sorry for yourself, that is your choice, but I cannot promise that I will be able to tolerate you for very long.

The most universal manifestation of weakness is in attitude. Albert Einstein's quote expresses, in my opinion, the the essence of weakness - peoples' outlooks are staining their characters. I see people everyday who seem not to care - who go day to day without any belief in themselves. These people prevade negativity and pollute the world with their fragility.

Although, I realize I should not judge others for anything. I am struggling not to walk up to these individuals and yell:

"Get a freaking backbone!"

Life

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure” - Peter Marshall

I am tired. I feel like I have too much to do and much to little time. Today wasn't a bad day - not in the slightest. Compared to the last few weeks, today was amazing. My first oral exam in spanish was simpler than I had thought. I feel that I did well on my Econ exam. I am still on cloud nine from the flattery of KI's open bid. Nevertheless, I am tired. I am worn down by what I have done, but more daunting is what I have yet to do. Sometimes, I think I am part of a machine. I am a gear: molded just so, fitting with others just so, turning and turning - just so. Today, albeit a great day, was a haze. I simply march from one place to another, not thinking. I hate feeling like a drone.

I need something inspirational. I hoped Bob Dole or George McGovern might get me going, but no such luck. Maybe with time? Until then, I will keep working for what I think I want to do with my life.

What if I were a hippy?

Hello all. I was just having random thoughts. . . one includes me having a secret desire to be a neo-hippy. That's right folks. I sort of wonder what my life would be like if I was a hippy. Some parts I wouldn't be able to live with - including growing out the hair on my body - ew. But the henna tatoos and hemp jewlery - comfy, laid-back skirts with sandles all the time. . .I think I could do that. Sometimes when I am really lazy - like today- I woke up three times, but didn't get up until 2 pm. . . Sometimes when I am really lazy, i wish i was a hippy. I wouldn't shower, and I could be okay with that, bc I would be a hippy. I would wear the same jean everyday for four weeks and I wouldn't care bc I would be a hippy. I would never wear makeup. But no - I shall not become a hippy. I will shower today and I will shave my legs. I will probably wear the same jeans I wore yesterday but I will find something else tomorrow.

I need to clean - I found out that the last time my family cleaned our house was when I was home for Christmas. It isn't that messy - but too gross for me. So I clean. Then I will probably work on internship stuff - then spring term stuff. . . we shall see. Until then - call me Cinderella.

Nothing left to do. But, of course, I lie.

So, I have just finished my English portfolio - turned it in and whatnot. I have nothing left to do. Which, we all know is a choice and not a fact.

About the picture - I was in the process of getting lost with Brittany in New York's financial district, when we passed this shoe store. I thought the 'probably' added a degree of hilarity to the sign. I mean, how much more did these people pay? Why not just put " We might be the lowest priced in the city" or "We think we're low priced" - or better yet "We're cheap." I am reading too much into this, I know. But, I am trying to do stuff that won't bring me down.

My quote of the day
"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only Love."

This quote is in a word - awesome. Why? Because it is true. I know not all of you are as bohemian as I tend to be, but tell me what is more worth while than love? It is my opinion, that if you can come up with a more accurate, honest answer than love, you haven't truly loved. It amazes me the power love has. What amazes me more is how humanity, which is capable of such a powerful positive emotion, can continue to live in hate and greed. . . This alludes to the possibility that love may not really be all it's cracked up to be. I guess it's all about choice. Each of us has the choice to live in love - we can promote it, show it genuinely toward each other, challenge one another to find loving qualities in our enemies (after all "Am I not also destroying my enemies by making friends of them?"). We can choose to love. Or, we can continue in a vein of hate and selfishness - turning our backs on atrocities, securing the viability of only ourselves, blaming the sufferers for their suffering. We can choose hate. But what is hate worth? Hate is not sacred. Hate does not compose our spirits. Hate most definitely is not worth living for -is a hateful life a life worth living? Hate is only worth dying for. Dying to put ourselves out of our misery.

I am frequently challenged by many intelligent people - arguing that my desire to help others and live in love is a waste. There is too much corruption. You aren't going to change mankind. People hate - they always will. I know as a race we are evil. But as individuals, we can save lives, help others - even just a few. And, though to some, that may not be a success, I cannot live a life in which I neglect others. In which, I left people who needed someone, alone. I know I cannot save the world. But if I could save just one - I would have done the only thing worth living for - I would have loved a stranger enough to spend my entire life striving to make their load lighter. I would have loved. That's the choice I have made. We all have the choice.

If everything isn't okay, it's not over

Sometimes I wake up and feel like a million. Other days - not so much. Today, unfortunately, was a 'not so much.' And it all began with last night.

I was up to three talking to the same person, about the same stuff, which made getting up at 7 an impossibility. When I did get up and dressed (at 11), I went to turn in the receipts for my internship. The provost office was closed. Therefore, I could not get the reimbursement for next week - like my mother wanted. Also, that meant that I would have to wait until next week before I could even think about getting my reimbursement. Which was an issue, bc I was fairly certain I was overdrawn bc of NYC. So, I decided I better go to the bank and see if I could fix anything. With $20 in my wallet I figure, if all my transactions haven't come through, I can put $10 in my checking and I will still have $10 for gas to get home on Saturday.

And then - like a miracle of God - my day got a lot better. I am standing in the bank when I realize that my check was direct deposited, and I never included in my register. So, I ask her - "how much?" - It was a lot. More than I expected. So that made me happy. Then I decide I should try the Provost office again. And - lo and behold- it's open and I was able to get my reciepts squared away. They are mailing the reimbursments to me over break. Realizing I have money, I decide I better go buy my spring term books. So I go -with my old text books - and make another $87. Overall, this day has not been as bad as I thought it would be.

It just reminds me of the saying "Everything will be okay." How many times have you heard someone say this and you think what the heck!?! Well, about a month ago - while I was having a pretty rough time of it - my friend Erik, who I met in St. Louis, told me that: "If everything isn't okay, it's not over." I was ready to pay $20 in overdraft and give up on the stupid provost's office - but in truth, my day had just begun!

I know you guys are probably all still working on finals and projects of the sort. I wish you best of luck. Kim offers you her protection, while she naps on the lawn - in the sun- with a book -and silly music -and no worries(virtually. 1,800 children will die today, of preventable causes).

Ok -that was depressing. Sorry guys.