When did this change?

I feel obligated to be around people or to allow people to be around me. A feeling of guilt sweeps over me when I tell someone that "I don´t want to go with" them or "don´t want to do that." I create reasons why I don´t have time or don´t feel well. For a few days at least I genuinely was not feeling well. My insides disappeared and all my shrivelled thoughts fed my solitary, disgusting pain. I honestly doubt that I would have been able to hold myself together with so many people around. Not that I would have sobbed all over the damn place, but I know how vacant I must have looked. One hell of a downer. It would have been one of those "I-miss-you-most-when-I-am-happy" things and I would ruin it for the whole lot. I was even explaining to people that my not going was doing them a favor. How saintly of me.

But now, having reached a static, dull, numbness, I should be able to at least fake interest in involvement with other people. However, what motivation do I have? I lack even enough guilt or concern to try being "okay."

Maybe it´s because I am not okay. Maybe this is the Denial step or whatever step follows Anger - listlessness? - depression? - apathy. Is apathy a step? Perhaps a "sub-step"? What about utter repulsion at the thought of having to put effort into anything? I think that is more than apathy. Resentment? Hate? Misdirected coping mechanism. . .Maybe it is jealousy. Envy. Maybe I covet their carefree attitude. I wish I could ignore these feelings and live ignorantly. Yes. It must be envy. They all seem so happy. They could care less for consequences. They are naive enough to think distance is inpenatrable. They taste everything and never cringe from the bitter aftertaste. They are young and uninvested and free to be self-absorbed. Free to be self-interested. Free from thought. Is jealousy a sub-step? Coveting ignorance or innocence. . .I think innocence is asking a bit much.

I want to be ignorant. I want to "think" I know the emotions well enough to enjoy them, but not well enough to feel the pain when life happens. This is my sub-step: Wishing I never had understood the truth. What comes next? There are 12-step plans for everything. I am sure there is one for broken hearts. BHA. I never want to meet with them though. . .I don´t feel like even trying. BHA: A Highly Ineffective 12-Step Support Group. In the same sick way I don´t care about anything right now, I am finding this BHA stuff to be B-List entertainment.

In conclusion, I feel like hell and I don´t want to feel differently except that I know I HAVE to feel differently because somone has given me a lot of money to keep my ass in gear and ignore personal issues.

El fin.

When We Two Parted

When we two parted

In silence and tears,

Half broken-hearted

To sever the years,

Pale grew thy cheek and cold,

Colder, thy kiss;

Truly that hour foretold

Sorrow to this. . .

·

Lord Byron

·

·

Love

I Corinthians 13:3-7

Yet again, not at Mass.

Sometimes, I wonder what my host family must think. . . I wonder if they care that I never go to mass with them.

I went once. Friday before Father´s Day, they had a evening mass that I went to. I don´t think I would be able to "get into it." For one thing, it is held in Spanish and I do not understand enough to know exactly what they are saying. But, on the other hand, Mass here is like Mass pretty much anywhere - so, I do know what is going on. Oddly enough.

In lieu of Mass, I am chatting with Andrew. It is tough with the time difference and our schedules. If we chat in the morning, he is normally in class. If we chat in the afternoon, he is out exploring Krakow. And, if we chat in the evening, it is bedtime in Krakow. And I sleep when he wakes up. Our chat sessions have been brief, but something is better than nothing.

Also, I am feeling better. I have gotten over my infection and, though weak, would like to have some fun with my friends here. But, they are both in school and nights are mostly for homework. I look forward to spending some more time with them though. Maybe occupy some of my downtime. . . not feel so lonely. It is amazing the distance language can put between people. I try and I am getting better, but it´s definitely not the same.

I hope I can use my shower today. Carmen´s does NOT warm. And, I would like to shower in warm water if at all possible. It´s cold enough here already. It´s almost beautiful how my skin hurts so much from the goosebumps. . .almost.

Semper pax.

Random beauty: Ray LaMontagne · Goosebumps · The irrational fear that hangs in the air immediately after you awake from nightmares · Soggy corn flakes floating in strawberry yogurt · "Someday when all my prayers are answered, I´ll hear a footstep on the stair. With anxious heart, I´ll hurry to the door - maybe you´ll be there. . ." Diana Krall · "Call me Ishmael." · Braided hair · Hallelujah ·

Love

I Corinthians 13:3-7

Reflective. . .

To begin, happy Independence Day everyone.

Okay, with that out of my system, I will move on to what this entry is really about - internships. My plans to study in Ecuador this fall have not panned out. Instead, I am applying for some internships. Most of them are in DC; however, there are two also in Lansing. I am excited with the possibilities.

Isn´t life great? Everyday is new, fresh and exciting. Every moment changes who you are and what you will become. When I consider the possible paths life can take. . . I am unable to describe it. Maybe in a few days I will know. I am certain, however, that I am grateful for every noun in my life - especially those that need capitalization.

This entry is taking on a very different emphasis - random beauty in my life:
"Crop circles in the carpet, sinking feeling. . ." Imogen Heap · Paint laying on hair · Genuine smiles · The dismissive/annoyed/sexual/anxietal/ etc. tension between people who avoid eye contact when dancing · How love interest echos in gazes that are seconds too long · Wrinkles in line-dried clothing · Silence · Changing first impressions · Wishing I had a dictionary when I read Infinite Jest · "That everyday feels so incomplete until you walk into the room. . ." David Gray · Nouns that need capitalization · Hearing your favorite song-twice · Cupids arrows · Gratitude so sincere you could never know how genuine it is · Faith · The constellation of freckles on old womans´hands · Closed toe shoes with laces · Innocence · Having people think you are crazy when you laugh at an inside joke in public · Edward Elgar · Gustav´s Modonna ·

Love

I Corinthians 13:3 -7

Update.

Because I am bored and have nothing else to do, I remembered that I have one of these Blogger accounts. Noting this, I thought it would be a great time to update the thing. Of course, now that I am here and have to actually type in the update - I hesitate to continue further. . .I will be brief.

• I am in Peru. I am volunteering and conducting field research. I will be here for four more weeks.
• I got a severe infection while in Peru. Lesson learned: do not stop drinking water.
• I am 20 years old now. This monumentous year signifies nothing monumental save that I have lived in Michigan equally as long as I lived in Utah, my dog -Muusta - is 10 years old this year, and I am getting older.
• I was in Hawaii and Mexico earlier this summer. Hawaii to present research. Mexico to help coordinate the Common Table Project.
• Despite prior plans to go to Ecuador this fall, I have been applying for internships in Washington D.C. I would much prefer being in the U.S. where I can have contact with family and friends more frequently.
• I listen to sappy romantic songs almost anytime I listen to music nowadays. I do not know why I do this.
• I have been craving food not soaked in partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, not covered in MSG or NaCl, not processed to the point that I have no fiber in my diet. Health food, what?
• When I get home, I am walking my dog and watching the Notebook - after, I eat a bag full of grapes and stuff my face with brown rice and NO SALT.
• I am going to England for two weeks for a Conflict Resolution thingy.
• I miss Andrew.

Tag You're It

Tag You're It


The rules are: Once you have been tagged, you must write a blog with ten, weird, random things, little known facts, or habits about yourself. At the end you choose 10 people to be tagged, list their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" and tell them to read your latest blog.

Alright... since you asked, you shall receive... here's 10 random things/little known facts/habits about yours truly:

1. I passionately believe in the human capacity to commit acts of love, and to do so often.

2. I am definitely NOT a morning person, despite grand attempts to be such. I would sleep 14 hours plus if the world would allow me .

3. I believe in soul mates and the eternity of relationships created within a lifetime.

4. I am quite fond of extremely soggy cereal (and I use too much milk).

5. I am afraid of commitment.

6. I sincerely enjoy privacy and, sadly, I will often neglect relationships to achieve it.

7. I am uncomfortable when people admire me. My life is not difficult and I owe a lot of what I do to my parents.

8. My heart is screwed up and I pretend like I have fixed it.

9. I would like to get married before my grandfather passes away. I doubt it will work out. I can't commit and I'll be too busy.

10. Sometimes, I want to run away, hop from town to town, making money only by doing odd jobs, meeting strange and wonderful people, having no one know me.

I'm going to Myspace tag:

Steph- she's my seester.

Alex- he's a great guy.

Ryan- he'll say something hilarious.

Taylor - she's my relative and she'd gonna do one anyway!

Chelsea- she's a great pal from my past.

Molly- weird stuff happens to us at the same time and I'm returning the favor.

Zach- I never see him.

Tara- she's amazing. period.

Chelli- she won't BS you- or me.

Holly- we got close during Girl's State and, unfortunately, we lost touch.

Impatience.

I am going crazy waiting to hear back about my internship apps. I really just want to know, so I can plan my summer! Esp. if I end up in Africa - I need vaccinations ASAP. I had been hoping to at least hear about the USUN internship for the fall - so, if I got accepted, I wouldn't have to do my Off-Campus studies statement. I didn't get an email from the State Dept.,so - alas! I must write the silly statement.

So, besides that -

My Honors Day presentation went well. Unfortunately, I ran out of time and didn't cover all my points. I don't think fifteen minutes is a fair amount of time to explain a year of research. At least when I am in Chicago, I will have an hour and the people there will be more familiar with my topic so I won't waste time explaining things.

Also, last night (which would be Fri. the 6th) we had our final choir concert for the year. We performed "St. John's Passion" by J. Bach. It lasted about two hours and was pretty boring. Luckily, during the long portions when my choir wasn't singing we were able to sit down. Not that it really made a difference for me. No one could see me from the audience; I got stuck standing behind the organ! It was ridiculous. To make matters worse, I had been in a crabby mood because I had been having trouble breathing. It feels a bit better now, but I am still taking it easy.

I am pretty much ready for the year to be over. Anyone else?

Yes, it's like world domination my friends.

Model UN Team Wins Top Award

For the 11th straight year, the Alma College Model United Nations team has captured the top award at the National Model UN Conference.

Competing in New York City March 20 through 25, Alma student delegations representing Algeria and Fiji each received “outstanding delegation” recognition. This is the 11th straight year that at least one Alma student delegation has been awarded the top honor and the sixth time in seven years that Alma has had two “outstanding delegations” at the national conference.

Alma’s two delegations also received “outstanding” recognition for the quality of their written submissions. In addition, six students received “outstanding” recognition for their individual accomplishments.

“The Alma students had the best performance of any school at the conference,” said Derick “Sandy” Hulme, faculty advisor. “It was the finest performance of any Model UN Team that Alma has had and the finest performance I’ve seen in 15 years. What is remarkable is that this is the youngest team we’ve ever had with two 10 freshmen, 10 sophomores, seven juniors and four seniors. So the best is yet to come.”

Alma has claimed 18 “outstanding” delegations at the national conference in the last 13 years.

The national conference is the largest and most prestigious collegiate Model UN competition in the world, with 4,500 students competing on behalf of more than 270 colleges and universities from 31 countries.

Model UN attempts to replicate the real United Nations in a competitive manner. Teams of college students take on identities of countries, and delegates from each country meet in committee to propose, discuss and debate topics ranging from finance to refugees to AIDS. Once resolutions are completed in committee, they are presented to the Model UN replication of the UN General Assembly to be further debated before the assembly votes on resolutions.

Algerian delegation:

Jim Allen, Harbor Springs sophomore
David Bechtold, Idaho Falls, Idaho, freshman
Rachel Blackhurst, Midland freshman
Christopher Chesney, Riverview freshman
Rachel Dotson, Chelsea junior
Lindsay Dunbar, Cadillac senior
Denise Elowsky, East Tawas freshman
Drew Emge, Bay City sophomore
Elizabeth Espinosa, Ann Arbor senior
Dan Fraser, Lexington sophomore
Rachel Gerds, Kalamazoo junior
Taylor Gibson, Gowen freshman
Avis Groath, Clinton Township junior
Kristen Haight, Cadillac sophomore
Danielle Jellison, Ithaca freshman
Annie Jennings, Augusta freshman
Kimberly Joki, Greenville sophomore
Lorna Kilborn, Harbor Springs junior
Brittany Law, Hartland sophomore
Emily Neil, Midland freshman
Samantha Pavolko, Grand Ledge sophomore
Aaron Pooley, Reed City sophomore
Josh Robare, Hillsdale junior
Emelia Shroyer, Decatur junior
Toshia Williams, Southfield senior

Fiji delegation:

Amanda Brewster, Jenison junior
Meredith Campbell, East Lansing sophomore
Letha Dolza, Davisburg freshman
Stephen Helzerman, Riverdale sophomore
Sandra McCormick, Dimondale freshman
Emilee Syrewicze, Luther junior

Individual “outstanding” delegates:

Jim Allen, Harbor Springs sophomore
David Bechtold, Idaho Falls, Idaho, freshman
Rachel Dotson, Chelsea junior
Lindsay Dunbar, Cadillac senior
Elizabeth Espinosa, Ann Arbor senior
Kim Joki, Greenville sophomore

Long time, most definitely.

Hello to you silly ones who take time to keep coming back here despite my infrequent updates.

Hopefully, you are excited that I have finally returned - though only briefly.

I just though, while I am stalling time here at work, that I should update this blog. And so - here goes:

I am pretty busy. Deadlines all come at one time, but ( as Andrew kindly reminds me) I wouldn't have it any other way. However, the ONLY big issue is - I am getting busy enough that I am forgetting to do things - significant things. For example, forgetting I had an econ exam and then remembering one day before the exam. Needless to say, I doubt I did well. One can hope.

I have also fallen in love with some new musical geniuses and, although you may be tempted to dismiss this comment, heed it. These are geniuses. Listen for yourself - courtesy of finetune.com. And in order of greatest amount of geniusness to least:

Ray LaMontagne: I have never heard a voice like his before. People relate it to Bob Dylan, which I can understand, but Ray's is just. . . well, it is different. Additionally, he is a great lyricist. Songs worth noting: " Can I Stay?" "Trouble" and "Empty"

John Mayer: his newest album, Continuum evokes a vast array of emotions. And, of course, who couldn't appreciate his amazing poetic talent. Lyrics like " Roll outta bed and down on your knees, the waking up is the hardest part. . . dreaming with a broken heart" could make you cry. . .

ok g2g

Hola!

Bad week -it hurts.

I don't wanna talk about it.

I love you all and I hope life treats you well.

Kimberly

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so on.

Well, I am back at Alma. We started our Winter Term last Monday the 9th. With Model UN and other obligations, including my classes - I have very quickly found myself never lacking anything to do.

While this last week and one half has been standard, I am rejoicing and struggling with some things:

• This year's recruitment effort for MUN has been entirely fruitful. Of 26 new students signed up for the class, only one has quit after the first week. Typically, the team sees a dropout rate of about 42%. This year has been entirely different and I am glad.
  
• For 8 days I have been highly successful at managing my time and having the commitment to hit the Rec daily. Likewise, I am trying to improve my overall health, fitness, and happiness by setting goals that I am confident I can achieve. Like last year, I want to make a lifestyle change. Not just a goal to tone up and lose some fat -I want to have a healthy routine of caring for myself.
• In happiest news, Andrew came to visit me last Friday.
  
• In saddest news, he had to go back to Ann Arbor. It gets more difficult to say goodbye everytime. It's not that we don't - we have both become familiar with it as a common theme in our relationship - but it seems to suck a little more then the last time. Surprisingly, I feel that missing him will be the greatest challenge I will face over the next week/month/year. . . who knows. I used to be good at preoccupying my mind when I missed him; now? I seem to be losing my gift. I miss him a lot and almost constantly. Maybe, the memories from winter break are still too fresh.
• On a completely different note, I need the motivation to fill out some important applications this week. I am hoping something profound will inspire me at around 9 am Saturday. Whatever divinity there may be, I hope it is on my side for this one.

Hmmm. . . . and I guess I will leave you (whichever person you are that I love so much), I will leave you with a challenge. You are responsible for finding something you love and genuinely appreciate inside of someone you do not love and appreciate. There is no time limit and there is no system of accountability, but try it. I will too.

I love you all (esp. Runibega).

Kimberly

Happy Christmas.

Today is the third best day of the year. It is, of course, Christmas Eve-Eve. I know not everyone agrees with me, but Christmas is one of the rare times during the year worthy of recognition. And, it isn't just Christmas. It is the entire holiday season, including: Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, and Boxing Day.

At our house we celebrate Christmas, though we are not a Christian family. My father and sister do not believe in the Christian God and growing up, this meant that our Christmas was centred around the unification of the family and sharing love. Love, of course, it what makes the holiday season worthy of celebration. It is the only time of year the country turns off for the sake of family and love. Granted, some people only see it as another Labor Day. However, if those individuals have free time, where do you think most of them are spending it? Most likely at home, with people they love.

Yes, there is a commercial component to the holiday season. But, what kind of person allows commercials and sales ruin the reason for the season. If someone lets marketing tactics interfere with his enjoyment of the season - I blame him. He must be certain of why the season is important to him, and not concern himself with the economics of it. Christmas is a season for love and selfless giving - if it has strayed too far from this, each individual is responsible to change it.

I love Christmas because my family can be together - something that happens less often as I get older. I love Christmas because I can spend quality time with my best friends: Stephanie, Andrew, Brent and Corey. I love Christmas because of the jingle bells and silver bells. I love Christmas because of the cookies and cocoa. I love Christmas because of the lights and the smells. I love Christmas because the true beauty of human fellowship comes through.

Have a very happy Christmas.

Home again.

Yes, that it right.

I am home! It feels good.

Finals are almost over. . .

Yay. . . I have one more final and then an essay and I am done for the term!

My history final is tomorrow at 9 am and my final essay exam is due Wed.

I can't wait to go home and make Christmas happen!

Ha ha. . . oh man.

A Response:

I have been lucky enough to experience love.

It is a feeling that separates you from the world; you are no longer cognizant of the million other things that are waiting to be done - the million other things that have been waiting to be done.

You are able to escape the term papers, the presentations, and the expectations. Love lets you escape all the stress and dissolve into something lucid and perfect, the world you've created with the person you love.

And, you're right, being with the one you love - that interaction- is unjust; as soon as the interaction stops, you are torn from the comfort and returned to a place where nothing seems to work out, happiness is unexpected, and everything you do seems like a mistake. You return to the real world.

El dia de gracias

To begin, I hope that everyone has had a happy thanksgiving day - including those of you who boycott it for historical protest.

My day has been just fine. I decided to sleep in and then took a 3 hour nap. Apparently, I was tired.

The ignition for the oven broke. So, after my mother prepared dinner at my uncle's home, we ate a typical thanksgiving meal. Sadly, that was the first family meal that we have all had together in months. The conversation wasn't great, but it was nice to hear what everyone was thankful for.

To end, I hope everyone has something or someone that they are grateful for.

Love Songs

Favorite lyrics:

"I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart." Coldplay

"I need you so much closer." Death Cab for Cutie

"Time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much. Are you still mine? I need your love. I need your love. God speed your love to me." The Righteous Brothers

"Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?" Eric Clapton

"Someday if all my prayers are answered, I'll hear a footstep on the stair- With anxious heart I'll hurry to the door and maybe you'll be there." Diana Krall

"Anyplace you wanna go, know I'll be next to you." Dave Matthews Band

"A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars - I'd walk to you if I had no other way. Our friends would all make fun of us, we'd just laugh along because we know none of them have felt this way." Plain White T's

"You've been the only thing that's right, in all I've done. I can barely look at you, but every single time I do, I know we'll make it anywhere from here." Snow Patrol

"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and, when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned." Iron and Wine

"Let me know that you need me. Let that be enough." Switchfoot

"You give your hand to me and then you say hello. And I can hardly speak, my heart is beating so." Ray Charles

" In a haze, a stormy haze, I'll be round. I'll be loving you always." Coldplay

"When the storm comes, you shelter me. I don't say a word and you know exactly what I mean. In the darkest times you shine on me. You set me free. Steady as we go." Dave Matthews Band

"I can't take my eyes off you. I can't my eyes off you. I can't my eyes off you." Damien Rice

"I wanna live life and never be cruel. I wanna live life and be good to you." Coldplay

"You do something wonderful, to chase it all away. . .You do something to me, something deep inside." Paul Weller

"I came here with a load and it feels so much lighter, now that I met you. And honey you should know that I could never go on without you." Coldplay

Exams, Elections, and Ecclesiastes

This week has been a strange mix of joy, excitement, stress, and frustration. I have had an exam everyday this week. And, unfortunately, there was little more I could have done to prepare for it - although, we all know that isn't the honest truth. I could have made more time. Regardless, these exams have contributed a significant amount of stress to my life. After this week, however, exams will be done for a while and I will be able to preoccupy myself with other important tasks attached to fast-approaching deadlines.

While this is schedule has been frustrating, I have found some relief. The recent elections have been a well-spring of excitement for me. I had hoped and told myself that the Democrats would be able to take the Hill, but I wasn't absolute. It's very difficult to believe they actually did it. I'm afraid someone cheated. I don't want to think that they would, but it seems so surreal that they gained a majority in the Senate (two of those seats, however, are actually held by Independents, who said they will caucus with the Democrats). In addition, Donald Rumsfeld has resigned at the request of our military leaders in Iraq. Let's hope that Bush's nominee makes some intelligent and necessary changes to the U.S. approach to Iraq. Overall, American politics over the last week has left me with a uncharacteristic positive feeling.

During this week I have spent a lot of time fulfilling extra-curricular obligations. One, last night, was the Center for Responsible Leadership Seminar with West Cosgrove. His message was different than what I have heard from other speakers. His proposal is that to improve leadership, we all need to voluntarily knock ourselves down and experience suffering. By doing this we broaden our understanding of being human - we become more whole. I agree.

While I was reflecting on his advice, I came across this:
For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. Ecclesiastes 1:18

To me this points out a valuable lesson: To learn we must experience grief and sorrow. And, conversely, knowledge brings sorrow. When we leave our ignorance we have a responsibility. West talked about how many people in the United States are scared of knowing how people suffer in the developing world because of the guilt that comes along with it. I think that, while it is true that knowing reality is burdened with grief and guilt, the joy and peace you gain when you reach out to help those who are suffering is infinitely stronger. To know suffering, to be surrounded by it, is important to experience. But, I think it is silly to avoid suffering because of your own guilt and fear. I wish everyone could trust that while the experience is difficult, the rewards that come from it are so much more valuable.

Weakness. . .

"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." - Albert Einstein

I am guilty. I am guilty of judging others quickly and severely for weaknesses I see in them. When an individual has doubt in their heart, feels he or she to be uncapable, or gives up - I struggle to maintain respect for that individual. It is tragic for me to see so many people that think so little of themselves. It is equally tragic to see so many others that degrade others to stay balanced on their own feet.

Anyone who knows what "type D" means - will know that this inability to accept weakness is characteristic of dominant personalities like my own. Anyone who is a "D" can understand why I am sick of people failing; I am sick of people not participating; I am sick of people settling! If you want to live a life feeling sorry for yourself, that is your choice, but I cannot promise that I will be able to tolerate you for very long.

The most universal manifestation of weakness is in attitude. Albert Einstein's quote expresses, in my opinion, the the essence of weakness - peoples' outlooks are staining their characters. I see people everyday who seem not to care - who go day to day without any belief in themselves. These people prevade negativity and pollute the world with their fragility.

Although, I realize I should not judge others for anything. I am struggling not to walk up to these individuals and yell:

"Get a freaking backbone!"